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The Feral Chamber of Automotive Industries – the Coca-Cola of anti-consumer lobby groups in Cannnnnnnnnnnn-bruh, which specialises in championing the car industry’s grubbier objectives in front of those fact-resistant politicians, is seeking a director of evil policy and underhanded advocacy. I could do that. So could you. Piece of piss mate. ‘Straya!
You just know an organisation is getting a bit top-heavy when it needs one of those policy and advocacy directors. Policy Dude for the Galactic Empire looks quite good on Linkedin. I know this because I changed my profile to reflect that, this morning, in anticipation of actually getting the gig.
It would be the chance to work with people who you find invariably entertaining and interesting – and you can’t say that about every job. I’m looking at you, chicken processing plant.
You should apply too. Like, let’s make this a fair fight. (Getting the gig.) Properly Darwinian. Gloves off. Seconds out. No holds barred. However, in truth, I fear Ronald McDonald could do this job.
It’s all fairly predictable stuff, attribute-wise.
“…dynamic self starter” (like, hey, I got up at the crack of 11, on a Friday morning. Without a cattle prod.) … “capable of influencing policy direction at the highest level” (shit, yeah) … “recognised expertise in the important areas of government relations and policy influencing” … (Look, if you know how to pay for the long lunches and the … let’s call them … personal assistants, what else is there? It’s just basic lobbying stuff.)
“Mentors and develops subordinate staff” … very important to inculcate a small, faithful clutch of unquestioningly loyal underlings who are dead keen to get ahead but also just dumb enough to believe in you … like, Goldilocks dumb – especially if you’re working in the kind of cesspit where some lackey might need to go under the bus at short notice. It’s always better if you can sell it to them, and they go willingly. ‘This is a real opportunity for you,’ kind of thing. (This happens a lot in TV.)
“Serious contenders.” (Easter Island face, on the job, mate. That’s me, clearly.) “Capacity to work autonomously.” (It’s 2020 – don’t we all?) “AND under the broad direction of the CEO.” Hmmmmmmm – I think that’s currently the boss of Toyota. It’s hard to keep up. That revolving door.
Anyway, he loves me, (the CEO) especially after that piece I did alerting Toyota to the problem they were having with their 2.8 diesels all seemingly going poopy in their trousers so prolifically, nationwide.
I think the Galactic Emperor really appreciated the deeply respectful ‘heads-up’, from me, on that. It’d be great for he and I to work closely again like that. I’d love it. Just like Fred Astair and Ginger Rogers, only (of course) I get to be Fred, and he can be the one doing everything backwards, wearing heels.
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